I’m having a panic attack at work because life is fantastic.

Blacked out and fooled around with the kid I’m dating. I know we didn’t have sex, because he’s super careful about condoms, but obvi my mind is already freaking out over being pregnant. I knkw nothing happened, so mind PLEASE SHUT UP i am not going to be needing an abortion anytime soon.
He hasn’t texted me since Saturday, so that means he’s done with me? Dating, modern technology and anxiety do not go well together.
I’m failing stats.
My mom keeps texting me about grad school. I’m graduating in the spring and have no clue where my life is going.
Two papers due tomorrow.
I need to cut back on my drinking. I want to take three Ambien and black oht for a week.
That’s all bye

Until I started taking my antidepressants, though, I didn’t actually know that I was depressed. I thought the dark staticky corners were part of who I was. It was the same way I felt before I put on my first pair of glasses at age 14 and suddenly realized that trees weren’t green blobs but intricate filigrees of thousands of individual leaves; I hadn’t known, before, that I couldn’t see the leaves, because I didn’t realize that seeing leaves was a possibility at all. And it wasn’t until I started using tools to counterbalance my depression that I even realized there was depression there to need counterbalancing. I had no idea that not everyone felt the gravitational pull of nothingness, the ongoing, slow-as-molasses feeling of melting down into a lump of clay. I had no way of knowing that what I thought were just my ingrained bad habits — not being able to deposit checks on time, not replying to totally pleasant emails for long enough that friendships were ruined, having silent meltdowns over getting dressed in the morning, even not going to the bathroom despite really, really, really having to pee — weren’t actually my habits at all. They were the habits of depression, which whoa, holy shit, it turns out I had a raging case of.

my-rainy-days:

“maybe if I drink another coffee, I will feel better”

“maybe if I buy myself a new sweater, I will feel better”

“maybe if I get so drunk I can’t see, I will feel better”

“maybe if I sleep for fourteen hours, I will feel better”

(via mrscharliepace)